Love

So what actually amazes me is that I have given up on the idea that there is that someone, anyone that could ever fill that part of you that longs for a true loving relationship in the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional. Love is something that ever since I can remember has completely confused me. I don't understand it, I can't define it, and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do it. Like so many others I've read 1 Corinthians 13 which is considered the love scripture. But what I find missing is the practical or functional aspect of love. What does it look like, how does it function and more importantly how do you get it and maintain it?

I have experienced time after time this feeling of exceeding joy over the presence and appreciation from the opposite sex; enjoying the physical contact of them and communication of ideas and thoughts. But then that something happens, a situation, an experience, a word, a look, a feel, something, whatever it is it's the end of the honeymoon phase and the relationship usually fizzles after this or is simply forever changed. I think I am one of those people in love with my personal idea of what love is. It is not a pretty place to be. What I would prefer is to live forever in this bliss of beginnings, but that's just not reality.

I also find that the older I get the more I imagine. The more I think about and dream about what it is that I really want out of this life that you only get one of.... YOLO! :) No longer do I want to just live here and it be an existence rather than a life, I want to live and to live fully I think that I must love fully. But again, what the heck is it and how the heck do I get it?

No one person can be all that you need in this world, which is why we have Jesus. He is our all and all. But Jesus is not here in the flesh, He is here in spirit and as humans we desire the warmth of flesh, the appreciation we feel when someone desires to have all of us. It is a need that is a part of us all from childhood.



Ironically, there are people I have met who give me hope that love does exist, that there is a beautiful thing that exists between a man and a woman where they connect on a level that transcends what we have ever known. That they join together physically to enjoy an experience like no other that doesn't require anything but her, him, and their God. I have met men who have stimulated me spiritually; taking me to places I never thought I'd go, deep into my spiritual self to explore something real, new and exciting, meeting God face to face and being fully in His presence. I have met men who have stimulated me physically, making me feel that warm place in my center that makes you want to scream and moan and be different, be submissive to whatever they desire. I have met men who have stimulated me mentally, challenging my thoughts and ideas, allowing creativity and removing insecurities and failures from my thoughts and reactions, opening up my mind to see the world differently and my dreams more attainable. I have met men who have stimulated me emotionally, creeping into places that hurt so bad, pulling out those things I didn't know I had in me, drive and momentum that was bottled up, passions that I didn't know existed, cares and concerns that make you laugh one minute and cry the next. Oh but to have all of that bottled up into one man who could be the receiver of my submission… that has yet to happen...


I don't know if love is real or just like a dog that chases his tail, but I do know that I am hoping with everything inside me that it is because if it is, I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that I will experience it one day....


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Measure of Success

So I think my goals in life are simply to be successful. The issue with this statement is that I have yet to define what that means really. Obviously it's the accumulation of a certain amount of money, but it's so much more than that. As I begin to network in this new job, this new environment I'm confronted constantly with the 5 - 10 year plan question. But I look at it in a different way than most. I'm looking at what skills I have, what knowledge I've gained, friendships I've built, and what I hope to gain in all three of those categories in the future... It's not just about the money for me, though that does matter :), it's about being happy with what I'm doing and being the best me I can possibly be.

So I'm traveling on this road called success and I hope the majority of the people I come in contact with are either traveling on it as well or trying to.

Thanks!!!!!

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Apple

So I'm unsure why, but I'm having a weird craving for apples... I'm thinking it has to do with the iPad3... my body is responding to the thoughts in my brain... ;)


Hoping I can get me one real soon... fingers crossed that my employer will realize how important such a device would be to my productivity. ;)




Yum... I love apples... and just a side note... the Simply Orange Juice company makes some yummy Simply Apple juice that tastes like eating an apple, not like your typical apple juice.


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So I must confess, I'm in this new job... and loving this place... the work leaves a bit to be desired, but the workplace is AWESOME, no joke... I can't say I deserve it because for all the horribly evil things I've done I don't deserve anything, but I'm grateful for the grace nonetheless...

This place had me feeling a little weird initially... I work for a company called Brown-Forman, we are the producers and distributors of brands such as Jack Daniels, Woodford Reserve, Finlandia, Little Black Dress, Chambord, Southern Comfort, Old Forester, Early Times, Casa Herradura, El Jimador, and plenty others... :) I really actually felt weird about it because I didn't know how people would react knowing I work for a company that sells alcohol. I'm a minister (not ordained) and it's hard to teach others about Christ when they have their prejudices that can make you feel you're not effective if you're not getting paid by some non-profit institution....

I had to let that go though, because I've learned more about being a Christian from this organization than any other job I've ever had. People are respectful and fair... judgments are left at the door and people work hard to be the best they can be. People are rewarded for working hard and doing well. It is encouraged that you try everything you can to find your skill sets and work in a position that you are able to use those so that we are all as effective as we can possibly be... what a wonder!!!

So, I'm saying, I'm grateful that I got this job even if I get strange looks for being an employee of such a fine company. I'm not just saying this to pump up my company, I've worked for other companies and had nothing but negative to say, so this is from the heart. Not everyone at BF agrees with me, but this is my experience and I can't live someone else’s life, I only have my own experiences and feelings to go by.

So this post is in appreciation of my current employer and probably my last employer before retirement... :) Thank you Brown-Forman for all you've done... and will do!!!!

Let's toast!!! Oh we have Korbel too... ;)

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I don't know how to say it...

My friend, I miss you so much. I don't know what happened, but there is one thing I know, there is nothing I miss more than you...


I hear your voice, so lively, deep, filling with compassion and love for others. I hear your anxiety in the timbre of your vocal chords as you explain what you think I won't understand. I hear the dryness in your throat as you speak words I have never heard and hope you won't embarrass me as I ask what they mean (you never did). I hear your truth in the movement of your hands as you talk to me about our creator and our purpose here together...


I see your eyes, everyday, they look at me with no judgment, the only person on the planet to ever look at me that way. I see your stance, so tall and thin, but to me strong and powerful. I see your youth that makes you naive at times, but so trusting in God that it's only a technicality. I see your smile, that is sometimes hard to find because your heart is aching for God's truth, your truth, our truth, the point of it all...


I feel your heat as we stood close to one another and dreamed of fulfilling the will of God. I feel your touch, only once because I was afraid to touch you for fear it would be taken the wrong way...but now, now that you're gone...how much I want to touch you, how much I want to hug you and smell you, receive the love you had for me...how I regret not spending more time with you, not running away with you...


I know you were trying to tell me, but trying to let it be my choice, how many times you said someone to go with you and I tried, I tried hard to let it go, ignore that tug on my heart to follow you...my faith wasn't as strong as yours and now you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...

goodbye Toni, you're gone......
you're gone....forever...forever my friend, forever...

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So...

So I know it's weird, but I just quit my job. Okay, here's the real deal with the whole thing and honestly I don't care anymore who reads it....

I hated my promotion, got it back in January and tried everything in my power to get it. I've got big dreams and I couldn't see why I couldn't move forward with my dreams. I kept trying to find a new job with a different company and though some things came close I just couldn't get it to happen. I thought maybe God just wanted me to stay here (in Hell, that's what I call the building I work in). So my new boss (who is now my old boss) came to my office and made the offer. What's funny is, I was way happy, but there was this weird feeling. Like God was telling me, oh, but now it begins, the true wilderness. So I of course ignored the feeling. And fast forward to three weeks ago. So I was already hating the job, I had no sleep because I spent every hour working, barely any time for my kids and if I did have time for them it was me like a zombie yelling or whatever...so then, the unthinkable happens...I get talked to like a nigga, oh yes, that's what happened. The truth of the matter, I don't take kindly to being talked to like a nigga, so I thought, screw this crap. It's not my personality to go back at someone, so I usually jut ignore them, and I'm not stupid, they are not getting me caught acting like a nigga, so I just looked at her (yeah her, go figure) and thought, yup, this is the end of this bull...

Went home, told the husband, he thought I should play some game with her, but that's not my style and honestly I've been unhappy for a minute anyway, so I told him I was going to quit...the next day, I set up a meeting with my boss (she lives in another state) and the first words out of my mouth, "This phone call is my resignation..." She was shocked as was everyone else, couldn't believe how much I hated the job (I was apparently good at faking it). And yes, I quit without having another job lined up, I just couldn't take it anymore and I knew, if I got talked to that way again, I don't know that I'd be able to hold back...I know me...plus my kids need me, seriously, what kind of mother am I to just ignore them at such young ages...

Oh, but change of plans....so someone else in the division quit a few days earlier, well, they asked me to come step in until they find a replacement which took them 3 months the last time, from the moment the job was posted until they hired the person. The also asked if I'd train the newbie. Well, how could I say no, at least I'm still getting a pay check, and now they know I don't care...I come in when I want, do what I want and don't care what the deal is with anything...no long term plans here...

But on serious note, I'm looking for a place with positive people who do their job and then go home. What is with all the negativity in the work place, the disrespect and arrogance? It's like a disease or a virus, and its killing people slowing. I won't be working at a place with this much hate and anger ever again. I'd rather be a stay at home mom...but anyway...had to clear the air, the truth is the truth, I didn't make it up, just unfortunately had to participate.

Shayla

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My secret

I love you, I can’t deny,
My compulsion is hard to hide.
I’m focused, determined to the untrained eye,
But through your eyes, I’m a star in the sky.

From beginning to end, why are you at both?
Continuing to meditate overflowed with hope.
It’s like your name is the embodiment of my existence,
I hold close the thoughts of you, they are my dependence.

Clearly you know me, hopefully you see me, I’m within your vicinity.
Your love for me is so deeply hidden, no one can see but me.
I envision the future with you in mind,
I go blind, waiting for this time, its unaligned our completion undefined.

Why do I feel this way, it won’t go away?
You’re so far it seems, just like all my dreams.
I fight the desire to meditate on this feeling,
But just to hear your name is so appealing, but it’s unfulfilling.
The closer the further, I wonder whether, we’ll ever be together.

I love you, I can’t deny,
My compulsion is hard to hide.
I’m focused, determined to the untrained eye,
But through your eyes, a star in the sky.