I don't know how to say it...

My friend, I miss you so much. I don't know what happened, but there is one thing I know, there is nothing I miss more than you...


I hear your voice, so lively, deep, filling with compassion and love for others. I hear your anxiety in the timbre of your vocal chords as you explain what you think I won't understand. I hear the dryness in your throat as you speak words I have never heard and hope you won't embarrass me as I ask what they mean (you never did). I hear your truth in the movement of your hands as you talk to me about our creator and our purpose here together...


I see your eyes, everyday, they look at me with no judgment, the only person on the planet to ever look at me that way. I see your stance, so tall and thin, but to me strong and powerful. I see your youth that makes you naive at times, but so trusting in God that it's only a technicality. I see your smile, that is sometimes hard to find because your heart is aching for God's truth, your truth, our truth, the point of it all...


I feel your heat as we stood close to one another and dreamed of fulfilling the will of God. I feel your touch, only once because I was afraid to touch you for fear it would be taken the wrong way...but now, now that you're gone...how much I want to touch you, how much I want to hug you and smell you, receive the love you had for me...how I regret not spending more time with you, not running away with you...


I know you were trying to tell me, but trying to let it be my choice, how many times you said someone to go with you and I tried, I tried hard to let it go, ignore that tug on my heart to follow you...my faith wasn't as strong as yours and now you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...

goodbye Toni, you're gone......
you're gone....forever...forever my friend, forever...

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So...

So I know it's weird, but I just quit my job. Okay, here's the real deal with the whole thing and honestly I don't care anymore who reads it....

I hated my promotion, got it back in January and tried everything in my power to get it. I've got big dreams and I couldn't see why I couldn't move forward with my dreams. I kept trying to find a new job with a different company and though some things came close I just couldn't get it to happen. I thought maybe God just wanted me to stay here (in Hell, that's what I call the building I work in). So my new boss (who is now my old boss) came to my office and made the offer. What's funny is, I was way happy, but there was this weird feeling. Like God was telling me, oh, but now it begins, the true wilderness. So I of course ignored the feeling. And fast forward to three weeks ago. So I was already hating the job, I had no sleep because I spent every hour working, barely any time for my kids and if I did have time for them it was me like a zombie yelling or whatever...so then, the unthinkable happens...I get talked to like a nigga, oh yes, that's what happened. The truth of the matter, I don't take kindly to being talked to like a nigga, so I thought, screw this crap. It's not my personality to go back at someone, so I usually jut ignore them, and I'm not stupid, they are not getting me caught acting like a nigga, so I just looked at her (yeah her, go figure) and thought, yup, this is the end of this bull...

Went home, told the husband, he thought I should play some game with her, but that's not my style and honestly I've been unhappy for a minute anyway, so I told him I was going to quit...the next day, I set up a meeting with my boss (she lives in another state) and the first words out of my mouth, "This phone call is my resignation..." She was shocked as was everyone else, couldn't believe how much I hated the job (I was apparently good at faking it). And yes, I quit without having another job lined up, I just couldn't take it anymore and I knew, if I got talked to that way again, I don't know that I'd be able to hold back...I know me...plus my kids need me, seriously, what kind of mother am I to just ignore them at such young ages...

Oh, but change of plans....so someone else in the division quit a few days earlier, well, they asked me to come step in until they find a replacement which took them 3 months the last time, from the moment the job was posted until they hired the person. The also asked if I'd train the newbie. Well, how could I say no, at least I'm still getting a pay check, and now they know I don't care...I come in when I want, do what I want and don't care what the deal is with anything...no long term plans here...

But on serious note, I'm looking for a place with positive people who do their job and then go home. What is with all the negativity in the work place, the disrespect and arrogance? It's like a disease or a virus, and its killing people slowing. I won't be working at a place with this much hate and anger ever again. I'd rather be a stay at home mom...but anyway...had to clear the air, the truth is the truth, I didn't make it up, just unfortunately had to participate.

Shayla

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My secret

I love you, I can’t deny,
My compulsion is hard to hide.
I’m focused, determined to the untrained eye,
But through your eyes, I’m a star in the sky.

From beginning to end, why are you at both?
Continuing to meditate overflowed with hope.
It’s like your name is the embodiment of my existence,
I hold close the thoughts of you, they are my dependence.

Clearly you know me, hopefully you see me, I’m within your vicinity.
Your love for me is so deeply hidden, no one can see but me.
I envision the future with you in mind,
I go blind, waiting for this time, its unaligned our completion undefined.

Why do I feel this way, it won’t go away?
You’re so far it seems, just like all my dreams.
I fight the desire to meditate on this feeling,
But just to hear your name is so appealing, but it’s unfulfilling.
The closer the further, I wonder whether, we’ll ever be together.

I love you, I can’t deny,
My compulsion is hard to hide.
I’m focused, determined to the untrained eye,
But through your eyes, a star in the sky.

I love this! Go Celtics!

So I'm becoming a huge Celtics fan, mainly because of Rondo, I so love him! The statement that I love is that Nate said, "Be patient, wait for my number to be called, and be prepared..." That's what we all need to do...



Go Celtics! The Lakers are going down!

The greatest rapper alive...

So this isn't the typical post you'd see on my page, but I truly love hip hop. Please note that this freestyle may offend you, so if you're sensitive to language don't listen. But I'm constantly talking about people doing what they were created to do, and Em was created to do this. I can only imagine how amazing he'd be if he were born in a different generation and only had a poetry medium to express himself, his written word is just as amazing as his delivery. Enjoy...

What you call failure, I call opportunity

I am going through yet another transition, a growth. It's funny to me how uncomfortable it is to grow, to be better than you've ever been. I haven't done this very many times I confess, but I know what it is when it's happening. I'm starting to question what God wants me to do with myself. Everything feels so scattered and disjointed...what's real, what's my selfish desire, what will be blessed. I'm grateful for my past because it taught me to enjoy the journey and that's what I'm doing, what will I gain by being unhappy anyway. My new mantra is "Carpe Diem", I will love hard and I will take advantage of everything everyday! Why stay in this world and be unhappy, God created it for us to enjoy even though we destroy it, it's still ours. God gave us dominion (rule) over this land, so guess what that's what I'm gonna do. Even when things don't go my way, you know what...that doesn't mean anything, it means I get another opportunity to get it right the next time. People are just people, just like me, they don't have real power, just the power I allow them to have.

Psalms 118:24 This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
(Thanks Pastor Cosby!)

I thank God for those who came before me, paved the way and never gave up even when it got hard and it felt pointless. I wouldn't be sitting here today without what they did and what they sacrificed.

Solitude...maybe...

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Maya Angelou

Sometimes I just want to be left alone...there are always people around, I never get a moment to myself. I rarely even get to do a thing for myself...then I think, but is that really what I want...made me think of this poem...