So what actually amazes me is that I have given up on the idea that there is that someone, anyone that could ever fill that part of you that longs for a true loving relationship in the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional. Love is something that ever since I can remember has completely confused me. I don't understand it, I can't define it, and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do it. Like so many others I've read 1 Corinthians 13 which is considered the love scripture. But what I find missing is the practical or functional aspect of love. What does it look like, how does it function and more importantly how do you get it and maintain it?
I have experienced time after time this feeling of exceeding joy over the presence and appreciation from the opposite sex; enjoying the physical contact of them and communication of ideas and thoughts. But then that something happens, a situation, an experience, a word, a look, a feel, something, whatever it is it's the end of the honeymoon phase and the relationship usually fizzles after this or is simply forever changed. I think I am one of those people in love with my personal idea of what love is. It is not a pretty place to be. What I would prefer is to live forever in this bliss of beginnings, but that's just not reality.
I also find that the older I get the more I imagine. The more I think about and dream about what it is that I really want out of this life that you only get one of.... YOLO! :) No longer do I want to just live here and it be an existence rather than a life, I want to live and to live fully I think that I must love fully. But again, what the heck is it and how the heck do I get it?
No one person can be all that you need in this world, which is why we have Jesus. He is our all and all. But Jesus is not here in the flesh, He is here in spirit and as humans we desire the warmth of flesh, the appreciation we feel when someone desires to have all of us. It is a need that is a part of us all from childhood.
Ironically, there are people I have met who give me hope that love does exist, that there is a beautiful thing that exists between a man and a woman where they connect on a level that transcends what we have ever known. That they join together physically to enjoy an experience like no other that doesn't require anything but her, him, and their God. I have met men who have stimulated me spiritually; taking me to places I never thought I'd go, deep into my spiritual self to explore something real, new and exciting, meeting God face to face and being fully in His presence. I have met men who have stimulated me physically, making me feel that warm place in my center that makes you want to scream and moan and be different, be submissive to whatever they desire. I have met men who have stimulated me mentally, challenging my thoughts and ideas, allowing creativity and removing insecurities and failures from my thoughts and reactions, opening up my mind to see the world differently and my dreams more attainable. I have met men who have stimulated me emotionally, creeping into places that hurt so bad, pulling out those things I didn't know I had in me, drive and momentum that was bottled up, passions that I didn't know existed, cares and concerns that make you laugh one minute and cry the next. Oh but to have all of that bottled up into one man who could be the receiver of my submission… that has yet to happen...
I don't know if love is real or just like a dog that chases his tail, but I do know that I am hoping with everything inside me that it is because if it is, I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that I will experience it one day....
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