I don't know how to say it...

My friend, I miss you so much. I don't know what happened, but there is one thing I know, there is nothing I miss more than you...


I hear your voice, so lively, deep, filling with compassion and love for others. I hear your anxiety in the timbre of your vocal chords as you explain what you think I won't understand. I hear the dryness in your throat as you speak words I have never heard and hope you won't embarrass me as I ask what they mean (you never did). I hear your truth in the movement of your hands as you talk to me about our creator and our purpose here together...


I see your eyes, everyday, they look at me with no judgment, the only person on the planet to ever look at me that way. I see your stance, so tall and thin, but to me strong and powerful. I see your youth that makes you naive at times, but so trusting in God that it's only a technicality. I see your smile, that is sometimes hard to find because your heart is aching for God's truth, your truth, our truth, the point of it all...


I feel your heat as we stood close to one another and dreamed of fulfilling the will of God. I feel your touch, only once because I was afraid to touch you for fear it would be taken the wrong way...but now, now that you're gone...how much I want to touch you, how much I want to hug you and smell you, receive the love you had for me...how I regret not spending more time with you, not running away with you...


I know you were trying to tell me, but trying to let it be my choice, how many times you said someone to go with you and I tried, I tried hard to let it go, ignore that tug on my heart to follow you...my faith wasn't as strong as yours and now you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...
you're gone...

goodbye Toni, you're gone......
you're gone....forever...forever my friend, forever...

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